


Awake

by AngelynMoon



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Grief, M/M, Post-Avengers (2012), Pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:55:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23047360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelynMoon/pseuds/AngelynMoon
Summary: Steve has a hard time adjusting to the future.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

He wakes with a start, shaking the threads of his dream away. He rises from the bed,bit's both too big and not big enough, for reasons he will never share. 

He begins his morning absolutions when he makes it to the bathroom, it is also too big, not as cramped and cluttered as the one he used to share. He pees, washes his hands, washes his face, combs his hair, shaves the beard that grew overnight, the one that he had laughed at the first time he saw it, no, Steve shakes the thought away and when he wipes the excess shaving soap from his cheeks he stares at his reflection trying to remember the man he used to be before he woke up in this time.

He leaves the bathroom, gets dressed, pulls on his shoes and goes for a run, he does not lock his door because he doesn't remember that he is the only one leaving, that there isn't anyone else to leave after him.

He does not time his run, chooses a place and circles, he feels like a vulture searching for carrion and he wonders what it would be like to run a straight line, wonders how far he would get, where he'd end up when his body finally had to stop, when his body finally gave up on him, he wonders what direction the Grande Canyon is and if he could run all the way there before his body gave out.

Steve turns, makes another circle, goes home, strips out of his sweat soaked clothes, starts a load of laundry he didn't have to haul down several flights of stairs and across three streets and back again and goes to shower.

He dresses again, makes breakfast, switches the laundry over, eats breakfast cold, in silence and over the sink instead of dirtying a plate, he washes the dishes, sets them to dry and heads to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters.

He goes on missions, more of the same as before he rescued the 107th, press conferences and speeches that he read and memorized and no longer believes, but it is mindless and he does not have to think.

He does not have to think about the concern of his friend as he half carried him from that awful place, does not have to think about the way that man yelled when he found out the Steve had gone in alone and with props instead of something he could actually use.

He does not have to think about where that man ended up by following him, the scream that still echoes in his ears and nightmares and always will.

He ignores Stark's calls and forces himself not to think about why he does not answer them.

Does not think about another dark haired flirt that grinned at him and teased him when he was five foot nothing. 

He's on his way home when he pauses, no one loos twice, out of the uniform no one sees him, even in the Suit no one sees him, no one sees Steve anymore really, just Captain America and he has to tense all of his muscles to stop the flinches when Stark calls him Cap'.

He looks at his reflection in the glass of a window.

The man he sees is a stranger, a point of stillness as everyone hurries past, and Steve feels stuck, he does not know the man that wears his face.

He looks away, enters the quaint little shop, and he orders a coffee. They ask him what kind of blend he wants and Steve frowns, he doesn't understand what they mean, which happens quite a lot and not everyone is willing to catch him up, it's like they are trying to preserve him, keep him stuck in the past where he should be but he's not and they don't want to let him move into the present so they tell him that he doesn't need to know and they take two steps back for every one that Steve tries to take forward.

Somewhere in the back of his mind Steve hears his dream again as the person repeats their question, Steve clenches his eyes tight, shakes his head, forces himself to breath before he answers as he mentally prays for strength.

He asks for something sweet and hears the echo of a laugh as he does, feels the phantom of a hug from behind as he pays and flees to wait for his drink.

They give him some chocolate, caramel monstrosity with whipped cream that comes from a can.

It lingers on his tongue, he drinks it all. It's too sweet for him but he drinks it all while he stands in the center of the cafe.

He orders another and savors the sugar taste on his lips as he walks home.

It reminds him... reminds him, no, no, Steve shakes his head as he enters his apartment.

He listens to Stark's newest messages, deletes them, folds his laundry, makes his dinner, eats it over the sink and washes the dishes. 

Then he goes to shower and pointedly does not look at the tired man that hides in his mirror.

He showers and dresses for bed before climbing into the still too big bed.

He sleeps, he dreams.

He wakes with a shout, reaching for someone that is falling and falling, but they fell long ago and Steve can't save him, nit even in his dreams.

He gets up and makes his way to the bathroom.

He finally looks at the ghost that his mirror reflects. He looks away, looks down at where his fist are breaking the marble of his sink and he forces himself to breath, in and out, in and out, just like Bu-, no, no.

Steve calls Stark.

He does not know what to say, he stumbles through talking to the woman that answers Stark's phone and she sends a car for him.

Steve makes them stop on the way, he buys a chocolate, caramel monstrosity, why the cafe is still open in the dead of night Steve doesn't understand but he's glad for it.

He sips the drink as they drive through the streets, forcing himself to make it last.

It's still too sweet on his tongue bit he likes it.

Stark greets him with surprise and confusion but there is also excitement in him as he leads Steve to his own floor and tells him he can do what he likes with it.

Miss Potts smiles at him and hands him a list, printed on paper like no one else does for him, it's a list of therapists that she has thoroughly vetted for him, she does not say a word because she has put a paragraph explaining at the top of the packet and a few paragraphs about each person as well as a date and time, a first meeting to find one that he'll be comfortable talking to.

Steve can't smile at her, can't even look at her because if he does he will cry and he knows that Stark will panic at that and Steve can't handle that right now, not with his dream still echoing in his head.

So he nods to Miss Potts and hugs his packet of therapists and does not think about how this is more than S.H.I.E.L.D. had bothered to do for him.

He still does not look at her as she says her good nights and drags Stark off to bed.

Steve sits on the plain couch in the rooms that are now his and he savors the last sip of his drink.

He let's the last mouthful sit in his mouth, the taste lingering on his tongue, it's still too sweet for his liking but he'll buy it again, he knows he will.

Too sweet or not he likes the taste.

It tastes like Buc-.... no, no, it tastes like home.

Steve hears his dream calling him again and dares not close his eyes, knowing that he'll see it again.

'The war is over, Steve, we can go home.' The ghost calls to him and Steve flinches.

He never said that, no, no they were home as long as they were together, sickness and health, rich and poor, war and peace, they were home when they were side by side, till the end of the line.

It'd been illegal then and Steve had been forced to hid his joy and sadness when he'd overheard some Agents say it was legal now.

He'd bought a ring he'd never wear and a ring he'd never give away and he'd whispered his vows to his mirror as he cried and promised forever to a dead man.

For a moment Steve closes his eyes and he sees his lover smiling at him, the husband of his heart reaching out to him to pull him into a dance.

And then he's reaching out from his grip on a train on a mountain pass, the wind whipping at them both and tbe snow falling lightly and Steve is only inches away, just a few inches closer but he can't reach and his heart is falling and home is gone and he's falling and saying farewells to Peggy, making promises he doesn't intend on keeping because he can't be late when he already is and he's got a date with the man he vowed life and death to and he's ready for the death part.

But he wakes up.

And the War is over.

For everyone else.

Steve is still trying to win the one that's waging on in himself.

And the taste of chocolate and caramel lingers on his tongue.

The husband of his heart is gone, the sugar sweet taste is a poor replacement of him but it's all Steve has.

It's as close to Home as he's ever gotten in this time.

Steve drops his head to his hands as he clenches his eyes shut before he forces himself up off the couch, eyes opening as he heads towards the bedroom.

He wishes he could wake up or maybe wishes he didn't.

He pinches himself as he sits on the bed, it's even bigger than the one he woke up in before calling Stark, hoping perhaps that this is the dream, that he'll wake up and a ghost will be snug tight in his arms because he's warm and it's cold and shut up Rogers.

But he's awake.

He's awake with the taste of chocolate caramel on his tongue.

He wishes he was asleep.

But he's awake.

He wishes the sugar sweet taste on his tongue was the husband of his heart.

He wishes it was Bucky.

\--

A/n: i know that Peggy says the quote " the war is over, Steve, we can go home" but i read it again and wrote this and i'm sorry.

Set somewhere before Captain America: the Winter Soldier but after Avengers.


	2. Chapter 2

He carries the rings everywhere, he can't leave them behind, he can't.

They go with him down to Stark's gym, to the communal floor, to the bathroom where they sit quiet and patient for him to shower or wash his hands.

He takes them on Avenger missions, the only time he wears them, on a chain next to his dog tags and the one he exchanged with Bucky so long ago.

He takes them with him to the little shop he frequents, they know him now, know his order and will almost always start making it as soon as he walks in.

Stark doesn't understand why he goes out to get this drink and Steve won't explain, he's not ready to talk about it, not with Stark and not with the therapist he's chosen.

She's nice, Steve likes her more than he expected to, she talks to him like he's an actual person and not just some long ago hero come to life.

She smile when he talks around his problems and she's been teaching him slang and real history not just what S.H.I.E.L.D. had approved of him knowing. 

She teaches him about the Civil Rights movement, about segregation and prejudice, not as a thing of the past but something that has learned to hide. She teaches him about LGBTQ+ and gives Steve homework.

Steve cries at some of the stories, the ones where the children, because most of them are so very young, feel so alone and that there is no other choice and they die, no, they kill themselves because no one cares about you unless you're dead and sometimes not even then.

Steve falls into a community during his research binge, one where the children feel safe to tell there struggles and stories.

He can't stop himself from reading every single one of them and commenting on them.

Most of his comments are just something along the lines of 'You're so brave, I'm proud of you.'

It probably means nothing to those kids, Steve doesn't use his own name, can't, but neither do any of the children there, instead he uses the name Bucky used to send him letter during the War.

Stephanie Barnes never posts things about the struggles in their life, Steve learned about pronouns from those kids on the community and every single one respects that he chose he/him even if the name is female.

Steve loves them, loves the support they give when he finally does post something about how he can't go to see the fireworks anymore because they remind him about bombs going off and some sound like gunfire and he spends his whole night with his music turned up loud and sitting in his shower with the water running trying to drown it out, a pair of rings held so tight they left an imprint.

He tells them that he used to love fireworks, would go see them with his husband and they'd make love on the balcony or the beach or whatever secluded place they were watching the fireworks from.

He tells them that his husband is gone, that he misses him everyday and how painful it is because there's a little boy that reminds Steve so much of him and sometimes he can't help crying as he types.

And Tony is so much like Bucky, Bucky may not have been a genius but he'd loved science, and he'd flirt and he'd grin that stupid grin that Steve loved and Steve wonders how Stark learned it.

The kids thought that the boy with his husband's smile was their son and told him that he shouldn't hide from the boy because he missed his husband and so Steve tried, some days were harder than others but it was working, he and Stark actually talked to each other instead of antagonising one another and it was nice hearing him talk about science, and if Steve closed his eyes and imagined he heard a different voice, well, that was his own business.


	3. Chapter 3

Steve draws, not often and never around the other Avengers, he knows that they'd tease at first and then Stark would buy him the best of the best because that's how he shows he cares.

The others would throw suggestions, Steve was sure the Thor would ask him to draw a bilgesnipe for him.

But Steve isn't ready to share, the only person he's willingly shown has been Bucky and now Bucky is what he draws the most, trying to hold onto his memories.

Steve draw in abstract on his loneliest days, the curve of a smile, laughing eyes, hands intertwined with his, a pair of dancing feet.

Other days, when the pain of his missing half does not cut so deep, he draws Bucky's face, the way Bucky looked when he came home to find Steve had made dinner, when he led Steve around the room in a dance.

He told the kids online about it and they told him about commissions and showed him fanart of the Avengers, some of them representing LGBTQ+ themes and Steve... Steve's hand slipped.

He drew Captain America with the rainbow flag painted over America's colors, he drew Stark in his IronMan suit only instead of red and gold it was the colors of the bi flag, Banner was drawn timidly in the Ace flag colors as was Romanov, Barton was drawn with all of the flags that Steve had seen because he wasn't sure which one fit.

He showed the drawing to the kids along with one of Bucky, also with the bi flag because Bucky loved Steve but he knew an attractive woman when he saw one and he'd sometimes share fantasies even if that was all they'd ever be because he was Steve's, heart and soul, 'til the end of the line.

The kids cooed over them, some begged him to sell them at Pride and when Steve had asked what Pride was they'd told him.

Steve had had to walk away from the computer, he'd cried because in his time something like that would never happen, would never be allowed.

And well, Steve thought about it, he thought about going, about seeing people like him finally free to be themselves, to be true, to have the choice not to live a lie.

He thought about it as he drew page after page of his Captain American in the gay flag, some standing with Bucky at his side in his own colors, their hands entwined and a heart on his Shield.

He drew some of them kissing, some of them standing close, arms around each other's shoulders.

He drew golden bands on their fingers in only one that he set aside, unable to complete it.

He thought about going, thought about those kids who wanted their heroes to be like them, even if it wasn't real.

He went, he didn't tell anyone, not Miss Potts, not Stark and defiantly not S.H.I.E.L.D.

He went and he gave his drawings out to the children that he saw, smiled at them and asked their pronouns.

He didn't wear the suit, instead he wore a plain shirt and jeans, the rainbow flag painted on his cheeks and the bi flag around his ring finger, he smiled at the joy and laughter and he decked a few hecklers who thought that they could pick on a kid that was dressed in girl clothes even if they looked like a boy. 

And Steve didn't feel guilty for it, he felt relieved that he could help, felt glad that the kid wasn't hurt and went back to being happy.

For a moment Steve stood at the edge of the crowd, he watched the faces, the freedom and the laughter.

He wished Bucky was there to see it.

He wished Bucky could have been there with him, maybe a little rainbow on his own ring finger and a smile on his lips.


	4. Chapter 4

"I know you." The man says quietly from the dark corner he's standing in.

Steve jumps and turns to the corner, he should be ready to fight but he's not because he's not sure this is real.

Because he recognizes that voice, knows it just as well as he knows his own.

Steve does not grab his Shield to defend himself because he's dreaming, he has to be, there is now way that he is hearing that voice when he is awake, he only ever hears it in his dreams.

So Steve smiles as he gazes at the man in the dark corner, he doesn't care that this dream has changed the man from what he remembers.

Steve's eyes barely take in the long, uncared for hair, the dark circles that linger around his eyes, because the eyes are the same blue that Steve has always loved, he's not sure how to feel about the confusion and doubt that dwell in them but that doesn't matter.

"Bucky." Steve whispers as he steps closer.

He pauses when the man flinches back into the corner.

"I don't..." The man says. 

Steve takes a step back but does not look away, he's becoming aware that he very well might be awake instead of asleep.

"Okay." Steve says softly and his gaze flickers away and falls on the drink he'd gone out for, his chocolate caramel monstrosity. 

Steve reaches for it and something tells him to take a drink before offering it to the man in his corner.

The man takes the cup and sips at it, his eyes close and he peals off the lid to drain the cup, the metal of his left hand catching the light from the kitchen that Steve always left on.

The man puts his arm down and looks at Steve.

"You hate sugary things." The man said quietly.

Steve nodded, something seemed wrong with the man's memory, and opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted.

"But I like them." There was a pause, the man looked at Steve, "I married you."

Steve's heart lurched because yes, they had gotten married in the only way they could, with vows spoken in secret beneath the stars, sealed with a kiss and lovemaking, but also no because it had been illegal,and they could never risk being open about it.

The man shook his head, "It wasn't real?"

"It was, Bucky, it was as real as it could be for us." Steve told him.

"You called me that, said Buchanan was too much of a mouthful." The man said as he slid down to sit in the corner, knees to his chest.

Steve came to sit near him, not in front of him, though he wanted to, the man seemed twitchy and Steve understood, there were still moments that he couldn't turn his back to a door or window.

"Gave you a different mouthful, but Bucky stuck." The man continued.

"Yeah." Steve grinned, "That was our first time, wasn't much of anything then, didn't think it'd become anything either but then one thing led to another and a few years went by..."

"And I loved you." The man whispered, "I loved you and they tried to steal that, they tried to steal you from me."

Steve almost frowned, "Who, Bucky?"

The man met his eyes, "Hydra."

Steve stopped breathing.

"Hydra." He repeated, he did not ask if Bucky was sure, Bucky would not lie about that, and Steve knew he shouldn't trust this man, not really, because even if he was really Bucky then what had happened to him, where had he been?

But Steve knew, his eyes had fallen on the metal arm, tbe scars that he had never traced with his finger or tongue, he k ew that Bucky would never willingly betray his country, never betray Steve, which meant that he'd been some type of prisoner of War for the last seventy years and he'd escaped.

"How'd you get away?" Steve asked looking at the man.

Bucky met his gaze, "I saw you, you had rainbows on your cheeks and you were dancing, someone should have been with you but you were dancing alone."

Bucky looked away before he whispered, "I should have been dancing with you."

Steve let out a breath, "Next time." He said quietly.

Bucky's head whipped up and he grinned, "Next time." He promised.

Steve hesitated for a moment before drawing out the rings he carried with him everywhere.

He held out his hand and opened it, revealing the simple bands.

Bucky looked at the rings, face blank.

"I bought them when I found out it was legal, you don't have to wear it, I don't, but one of them is yours, always has been." Steve said softly as he stared at the floor.

He looked up quickly when he felt cold metal pick one of the rings from his palm.

Bucky looked at the ring and scooted closer to Steve, out from the corner and he took Steve's left hand in his.

"I don't remember what we said back then, but you're as much mine as I am yours, in this life or the next." Bucky said softly as he slid the ring on Steve's finger.

Steve grabbed Bucky's right hand because he knew the ring wouldn't fit the left.

"You don't have to remember, that's okay. That you're here is more than I even expected to happen. So, in this life and the next and any left in between, til the end of the line." Steve whispered and he placed the ring on Bucky's finger.

Bucky looked at the ring and then his eyes went to the window.

"There were colors in the sky last time, they weren't stars." Bucky said.

Steve grinned and pressed his forehead to Bucky's, "Fireworks."

"Your birthday." Bucky said, he sounded more confident with the memories than he had at the beginning. 

Steve nodded slightly, letting hos head fall to Bucky's shoulder.

Bucky lifted him up and carried him to his bedroom and Steve almost wondered how he knew where it was but didn't care.

"Carried you to bed then too." Bucky said with a kiss to his lips.

Steve smiled and pressed up into it.

"Captain?" J.A.R.V.I.S. asked, "Is all well? I have detected an unknown within your quarters."

Bucky stiffened and Steve squeezed his shoulder and felt the man holding him relax slightly as he set Steve in the bed and climbed into it with him.

"I'm alright, J.A.R.V.I.S., I'm going to bed, can you cancel my alarms, just for tomorrow." Steve asked as he threw an arm over Bucky's chest and felt the other man pull him close, holding tight.

"Goodnight, then, Captain, sleep well." J.A.R.V.I.S. said.

Steve hummed softly, already halfway asleep, he didn't care right now if he was really awake, or if he was dreaming.

All that mattered was that Bucky was holding him again, it didn't matter if Bucky wasn't the same man he used to be, all that mattered was that Bucky was back, was next to him.

Steve snuggled deeper into his husband's arms.

If he was asleep and he was dreaming that Bucky was alive and holding him, Steve thought fuzzily, then let him not wake up this time, let him stay asleep and never wake.

\---

A/n: i don't know, i just had to add onto this and there is probably a freak out from the other Avengers, mostly about Steve not being up when they make their way to the communal kitchen and then they find Bucky in Steve's bed and Natasha knows who he is.

And Steve ends up half explaining about what he'd never told them, starting with the fact that he and Bucky are married and that he'll do anything to keep him even walk away from the Avengers.

So Tony looks into the information Bucky gives them and with Natasha's help finds out about the Winter Soldier and the torture he endured.

Meanwhile Steve is introducing Bucky to the community he found and he tells them that his husband is alive and Bucky says hi and they all welcome him just like they did with Steve and Steve draws Bucky and himself in wedding suits and posts it to the community for them to gush over.

And Bucky adopts the community kids just like Steve did.


End file.
